dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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