home. puking in laundry basket.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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