I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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