So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
