Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
