Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
