Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
