I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
