Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
