I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
