Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
