Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
4 words: hood of his car
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
