Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
