ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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