you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
