i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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