honey bunches of taint.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
