I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The uberlube is also flammable
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
