Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
