My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
