Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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