I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
