hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
