I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
