3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
