My liver just broke up with me...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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