sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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