so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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