He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
