I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
