Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
