Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
