Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
