At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
