have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
