My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Randomize
