dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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