God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
