How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
