Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
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And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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