I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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