i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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