I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
