Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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