one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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