Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
