i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
