just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
