in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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