Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
