Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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