just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
