Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
