my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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