I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
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Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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