Will you blow on my dice?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
