You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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